


Runaway Child

by Tangerine



Series: Three Act Series [2]
Category: X-Factor (Comics), X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Families of Choice, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Mexico, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 07:19:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14732438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tangerine/pseuds/Tangerine
Summary: Shatterstar stays behind.





	Runaway Child

**Author's Note:**

> Companion piece to [Exit Music](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13954860). 
> 
> Please see the End Notes for additional information about the "Suicide Attempt" tag.
> 
> Current to Iceman #9. After that, canon diverges.

He packs enough clothes for a week, which means all of them. Takes his wallet and his passport and the charger for his cell phone and stuffs them into his bag. Julio sits on the couch, face blank, a half empty bottle of beer dangling from his fingertips. He allows himself a long moment to hate this situation with everything he has, and then he leaves. Julio doesn't say goodbye, so he doesn't say anything either. 

It will be fine, he assures himself. Julio wants this. This happens all the time on television. 

But _he_ wants to turn around, run up the stairs and take it all back. 

He goes to Longshot's, because he doesn't know where else to go, but he isn't home when he tries to buzz up. It starts to rain, and just when he's about to admit defeat and go home, regardless of what Julio wants, someone exits the building. He moves quickly, drawing no attention to himself, and catches the handle. Inside, at least it's dry, and he decides not to kick in Longshot's door, even though he's tempted. 

Sliding down the wall, he draws his knees up to his chest and bows his head. 

He'll just wait this out. If it takes all week, then so be it, but that's the limit he puts on it.

One week, and then he'll return to Julio and everything will be better.

~~

He looks up when he hears Longshot enter the hallway, murmuring obscenely to his companion. Their gazes meet, and Longshot's eye flickers once, bright, as the woman hanging on Longshot's arm smiles uncertainly at him. Silent, he stands up, aware of how wet his clothes still are, tightly clinging to him.

"I need a place to stay," he says brusquely in Cadre, "for a week. At the maximum."

Longshot turns to his female friend and murmurs in her ear, running a suggestive hand up her arm. She glances over at him then mumbles back, but Longshot shakes his head sharply. Longshot is purposely obscuring their conversation from him, but he can imagine what she said. It wouldn't be the first time. 

She whispers something else, and Longshot smiles, sheepish. "Sorry," he says easily, "but he's my son. I warned you I was a superhero. Sometimes you end up with an adult child from a time paradox."

He tries not to wince, because it's true, but he hates when Longshot says it out loud. 

"Well, that's a new one," she says, shaking her head, pushing Longshot away. "If you don't want to ..."

She turns on her heel, starts to walk away, and Longshot follows her, murmuring again, all charm and effortless smile. By the time they're at the bottom of the stairs, she's tapping her number into Longshot's phone as Longshot twists the ends of her long hair around his fingers, leaning into her space, grinning. 

He watches, feeling detached, out of sync with the world. It's a familiar feeling.

~~

Longshot's apartment is nothing like his and Julio's. Bare walls, an old TV. A mattress on the floor in his bedroom and a mismatched dresser, no curtains. A couch without pillows and a motley collection of milk crates that double as tables. In the corner of the living room, there's a box of discarded papers, which look vaguely important. The kitchen is entirely empty except for a case of beer on the counter. 

"You're lucky I have an extra set of sheets," Longshot says amiably, making up the couch. 

He feels immediately defensive. "I don't want to talk about it."

It's the wrong thing to say because he hates pity even more than he hates sympathy, but Longshot doesn't force the matter. He wouldn't be here if anyone else had been an option, but most of his friends are Julio's friends first, and the friends that are primarily his are, for the most part, currently indisposed.

Longshot is something else entirely. Whether this is a good or bad thing, he is still undecided. 

Shatterstar lies there for a long time, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep.

This is a mistake. He knew it the moment it happened. This is wrong, and he should not be here. 

~~

In the morning, everything still feels bad. The couch is incredibly uncomfortable, and he lies there for a long time, one arm stretched over his head, a strange sensation heavy in his stomach. There are a myriad of cracks in Longshot's ceiling, and he wonders idly if he has informed his landlord. Doubtful, he thinks. 

Eventually, he turns onto his side, tugging the blanket over his shoulder, and shifts uncomfortably. 

His stomach really does not feel right. 

~~

Longshot ignores him for the rest of the day, drifting in and out of his peripheral vision. Even leaves at one point, and he wonders if Longshot has just simply forgotten about last night. In the meantime, Shatterstar takes a shower, eats the box of stale crackers he finds in Longshot's cupboard and turns the television on for background noise. Hydrating with three large glasses of tap water, he does a thousand one-handed push-ups, equally split between both arms. He eventually escalates to dismantling the TV. 

By the time Longshot returns, his television is vastly improved, and Shatterstar is back on the couch. 

"I got us a pizza," Longshot says, sliding the box onto the counter. "Do you want a beer?"

"Absolutely not," Shatterstar replies with a vehemence that makes Longshot recoil. 

Longshot regards him for a long, torturous minute, and Shatterstar wishes they could go back to when he thought Longshot was just his clone and not also his biological father. It's not like he expects anything from him, but it's made things strange between them. Julio tells him these feelings will pass eventually.

At the thought of Julio's name, his stomach feels weird again. He tries to ignore it.

~~ 

When Longshot offers him a slice of pizza, he shakes his head. "No. I don't feel well."

Longshot scratches a hand through his hair. "I don't know what to do if you're sick."

"I'm not sick," he mutters, pressing a hand to his stomach. The scent of the pizza is nauseating, grease and sweetness mixed, and he wishes he hadn't eaten all those awful crackers. "I just don't feel well."

"I've never been sick a day in my life," Longshot tells him, looking at him curiously. 

"I'm not sick," Shatterstar repeats. "And stop staring at me. It's making me uncomfortable."

"Humans get sick," Longshot says absently, later, as Shatterstar pretends he is asleep. 

~~

By the second day, he can't take it any longer and leaves Longshot's apartment to buy groceries and cleaning supplies and something to patch the ceiling with. Before Longshot even wakes up, Shatterstar has scrubbed the bathroom from top to bottom. He's standing barefoot in the shower with his sweatpants rolled up, working on the blackened grout, when Longshot enters and blearily stares at him.

"Do you wish to urinate?" Shatterstar asks when Longshot doesn't say anything. 

"If you don't mind," Longshot replies slowly.

Shatterstar puts the sponge aside for later. He's not quite done. "Of course not."

He washes his hands in the kitchen sink, using the apple-scented soap he purchased, and decides he should make an attempt at lunch, even though his stomach still feels uneven. By the time Longshot gets out of the shower, he's made two neat plates of chicken wraps, garnished with olives on toothpicks. 

"I made you lunch," Shatterstar explains. "Why do you not have a kitchen table?"

Longshot accepts the plate handed to him and plops down on the couch. "I've never needed one." 

"I'll get you a table," Shatterstar decides, "and some chairs." 

"Please don't trouble yourself," Longshot says faintly, but Shatterstar ignores him and turns on the TV. He still doesn't feel like eating, the weight in his belly persistent, but he needs nourishment. Five more days, he thinks, chewing, mouth dry. He never should have left, but he didn't know what else to do. 

This has to turn out differently than it did back then, in Mexico. That, he is completely sure of. 

~~

"Are you going to Iceman's going away party?" Longshot asks the next day, as Shatterstar stands on a precarious stack of milk crates and attempts to patch the ceiling. From time to time, Longshot's eye flashes, and Shatterstar assumes that is the only thing keeping him steady. "I really think you should."

Shatterstar shakes his head, ignoring Longshot's sigh. "I can't. Julio will be there."

"You can't avoid your ex forever. Trust me. I mean, everyone will know, and judge you, and assume it was all your fault, but be confident in the fact nobody's relationship works out when you're an X-Man, so you're not really to blame," Longshot says sagely. "Just be glad you can remember the good times."

With the putty knife pressed against the ceiling, Shatterstar pauses. 

"That wasn't a jab at you," Longshot adds. "I've already told you that I don't blame you."

He scowls at the ceiling then practically growls, "I don't want to talk about this. You misread my reaction." It comes out accusingly, but he's just very frustrated, and his stomach continues to hurt, and Longshot lives in squalor, and he feels choked by his anger. "Julio and I did not break up. I am giving him space. He's not ..." His voice trails off, and he swallows hard. "He's not feeling well right now."

"Is he okay?" Longshot asks after a moment. 

"He's fine," Shatterstar replies, resuming his spackling. "Forget I said anything. He's fine." 

~~

He expects Longshot to go to the party, but he stays with him. They watch bad made-for-TV movies and eat popcorn, and Shatterstar remains terrified Longshot is going to attempt to physically comfort him somehow, perhaps with a hug, but he stays on his side of the couch. Longshot drinks three beers. 

He checks his phone several times, but as expected, there is nothing from Julio or anyone else either. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Longshot asks quietly, in Cadre, in between a commercial break. 

"No," he replies, in English, tucking the phone under the seat cushion.

Longshot doesn't speak again, eventually wandering off to bed, and Shatterstar makes up the couch. Lying on his back, rubbing idly at his aching stomach, he feels good about exactly one thing. 

The ceiling looks much better. 

~~

The next day, he resolves to improve Longshot's living quarters. He drags Longshot to a furniture store and makes him pick out something a human adult with an average life would own. He insists on matching chairs, ignoring any protests, and forces him to choose a coffee table and a bed frame as well. 

"This is completely unnecessary," Longshot says, following him around the store. It's a bad habit that Shatterstar keeps hoping he'll break, but he was Shatterstar's clone before he was his father, and their relationship is so ridiculously complicated, and he hates that he isn't just a friend. "I don't need all this."

"Why even stay here if this is how you're going to choose to live? With one foot always out the door?"

That provokes Longshot to anger, and his eye flashes dangerously. "You know why." 

Shatterstar feels his own skin heat with emotion. "I didn't ask you for anything. You don't have to stay."

"Of course I do. I'm your _father_."

It's said loud enough that everyone looks at them, and Shatterstar struggles to keep his emotions in check. They glare at each other, and he can see himself clearly in Longshot's face. He should have known earlier, he thinks. It's so obvious they're related, but he hadn't known. It had never even crossed his mind. 

He never seems to know these obvious things. 

~~

Shatterstar pays for everything because he suspects he's the financially responsible one, a theory that is confirmed that night after a long afternoon of putting furniture together and not speaking to each other.

Longshot has never done his taxes. Not once in all the years he's been on earth.

"Why are we so different?"

"Only in the ways that matter," Longshot assures him, in the least comforting manner possible. 

Shatterstar begins to go through the box of papers in the corner of the living room. "You need to do your taxes." There are hundreds of official-looking letters, still sealed, and he flicks them open with his thumb, sorting them into piles as Longshot helplessly looks on. "Never mind. I will do them for you."

"You are _really_ trying my patience," Longshot says with a pained, vaguely apologetic expression.

"These things are important," Shatterstar insists, but he knows if Julio hadn't taken the time to explain how to pay bills, and file taxes, and set up an IRA, and keep a budget, he never would have known either. These are not exciting, fun things, but necessary, human ones. "And it will keep me busy."

"Okay, if you actually want to," Longshot says finally. 

Shatterstar nods and resumes sorting through his mail. It's very soothing. It makes him feel useful. 

~~ 

Between doing nearly a decade's worth of taxes and arranging all of Longshot's new furniture in a pleasing manner, he manages to survive another day without Julio. He hardly eats, barely sleeps, but at least Longshot's apartment looks livable now, with a fridge full of food and no more plastic milk crates.

"Now all the women you bring home will actually enjoy their surroundings," Shatterstar says sagely. 

"There is that," Longshot agrees, scratching a hand through his hair. "I mean, it's been a ... _something_ – not entirely good – having you here, but I will be incredibly happy when you leave tomorrow. No offence, but I thought the father-son bonding experience would be way more fun. TV lied again."

Shatterstar smiles. "I will be incredibly happy to go," he admits, looking over at Longshot. His expression is fond, much kinder than Shatterstar deserves, and he pushes down any thoughts about what might have been, in a normal life. "I apologize for my behaviour. I have been ... not myself." 

"Don't worry about it. This stuff is hard," Longshot says with an easy shrug. 

Shatterstar allows himself to feel relief. One more day, and then he can finally go home. 

~~

And then, like that, it's been a week, and he packs up all his clothes. There's a mandatory staff meeting that both he and Longshot are required to attend, which means Julio will also be there. If he brings everything with him, he can just go home with Julio after. They will order takeout and talk. He will tell Julio hows much he loves him and hopes he believes it. Shatterstar has it all planned neatly in his head. 

But when he arrives at the meeting, he doesn't see Julio. The pain in his stomach, which had finally started to ease, returns with a vengeance. Worse, people he barely even knows keep _looking_ at him when they think he won't notice, and their expressions are impenetrable, indecipherable, mystifying. 

The meeting stretches on forever. He doesn't remember a single word that is said.

~~

After it finally ends, he finds someone who might know where Julio is. Tabitha lifts an eyebrow when he approaches, a coffee in one hand, her cell phone in the other. "Have you see Rictor?" he asks. 

"Not since Iceman's party," she replies, the corner of her mouth twisting up into a smirk. "He was the drunkest I've ever seen him, like, fucked up out of his mind." She takes a sip of her drink, leaving pink lipstick on the plastic lid. "I thought you guys broke up? He would not shut up about it. And then he ..."

Reacting to something in his expression, she trails off, and he swallows hard. "And then he what?"

"He made a pass at Iceman. It was weird," Tabitha admits, making a face, then peers curiously at him. "Why'd you look so surprised when I said he told everyone you broke up? He didn't bother to tell you?" 

When he doesn't answer, she sighs deeply and puts down her coffee, balancing her phone on the lid. 

"You couldn't have picked someone easier for your first relationship? I mean, Ric and me, we go way back, and I love the guy like the brother I never wanted, but he's hard mode all the way, Shatty."

"You sound like Julio when you talk like that."

The words come out dismissive, half scoff and half laugh, and the feeling in his stomach shifts again. Panic settles over his skin, sharp and prickly, and he turns to leave, but Tabitha grabs his wrist tightly. 

"Is Ric okay?"

"He's fine," Shatterstar says sharply, tugging his arm out of her grip, walking away briskly, wishing he could rip his stomach right out of his belly. He feels cold, like vomiting. What have I done, he thinks. 

~~

Luckily, Longshot finds him before he attempts something stupid like trying to teleport directly to Julio when his mind is in complete disarray, years worth of learning to control his emotions unravelling with one firm tug of the string. Hundreds of scenarios twist in his head, each one worse than the last.

"Anchor me," Shatterstar demands, gripping Longshot by the arms. "I need to go home. Now."

Longshot's eye flashes. "Do it."

Shatterstar takes his hands off Longshot and releases his swords. He's never attempted this in so poor a frame of mind, and there is a slight chance that this is it for both of them on Earth, at least for a while, but Longshot remains relaxed, calm, inexplicably trusting. It helps. It makes it easier to rip through space.

They materialize in the hallway, the older lady who lives across the way barely blinking at their sudden appearance. He drops his keys trying to get them out of his bag, and Longshot picks them up. He unlocks the door then steps back, and Shatterstar pauses. Part of him wants Longshot to just go away.

Another part, the nameless part, needs him. His father. 

"Do you want me to ...?"

"No," Shatterstar snaps, and Longshot bows his head, slight, eyes blue and bright, like his.

~~

Breathe, he thinks, be logical. 

The apartment smells absolutely terrible, like rotting food and stale alcohol, but it does not smell like death and decay. Yet. It could be early in the process. Why did he stay away for a week? He never should have left. It was a mistake. He never should have gone. Julio was clearly unwell, and he just ... he just walked away from him. Like he didn't care, or even love him at all, and if ... and if ... and if ...

Stop, he thinks, check the bathroom.

Longshot watches him, silent, as he walks to the door and pushes it open with the flat of his hand. Please, he thinks, closing his eyes briefly. He wants Longshot to use his power and change the probability, but he knows his powers don't work like that. Whatever is done, is done. No take backs. 

When he opens his eyes, the bathtub is empty, and his relief is a startling, physical thing. He steps back, coming up against Longshot's chest, and Longshot holds him for a moment by the shoulders, steadying him. Shatterstar endures it for as long as he can then curls away from him, and Longshot easily lets him go. 

Okay, he thinks, keep looking.

There is nothing on the kitchen table. No note in an envelope with his name on it, which Julio would have written. This, Shatterstar is sure of, because he has the other note, hidden away, eternally unopened at Julio's request. Undelivered, yes, but it was written. Even at his lowest, Julio wrote to him.

He checks for his passport, but it's gone. So is his suitcase, and that comforts him. The passport could have been for identification purposes, but the suitcase means something. It means he went somewhere intentionally, and if he never plans on coming back, Shatterstar doesn't even care right in that moment. 

The respite he feels is immediate and powerful, almost overwhelming, and then. 

He puts his fist through the bathroom door, pulls it back then repeats the action, over and over and over. His knuckles shred like paper, the blood bright against his pale skin, and he just keeps tearing through the wood like it's nothing, using both hands now, howling like an animal trying to escape. 

Longshot stands there, face blank, unspeaking, and doesn't stop him. 

~~

In the aftermath, he feels like a fool, but Longshot just sits down with him at the kitchen table and dutifully picks the splinters out of his skin with a pair of tweezers. His touch is careful, thoughtful, and Shatterstar wants to push him away, because he doesn't want this from him, but he accepts it anyway. 

He doesn't know why. 

"Do you still feel unwell?" Longshot asks.

"Terrible," Shatterstar admits, head bowed, bile in his throat. "I thought, for a moment. I thought ..."

"I know what you thought," Longshot says softly, holding Shatterstar's fingers as he works.

His voice is tight, sad, and Shatterstar suddenly understands how hard it must be to be so personable all the time. He was trained to fight, to kill, to focus on nothing but being the best, to the detriment of everything else, but Longshot was made to be someone the audience instinctively liked and trusted. There's been less urgency for him to change, because his behaviour has always been acceptable by human standards, but he is clearly as out of step with humanity as Shatterstar was and likely still is.

"I'm so bad at this," Shatterstar murmurs, voice rawer than he expected. 

"I've seen worse," Longshot replies. " _I'm_ worse if it's any consolation. You should talk to your mother."

"I wish you would stop calling her that."

"No, sorry," Longshot says, smiling, and Shatterstar sighs deeply, looking away.

~~

It takes a lot of effort, arguing and threats of violence to get Longshot to leave. They had their moment, they both survived it, and now he has to go. Longshot listens to this with an infuriatingly serene smile on his face, but he eventually honours Shatterstar's wishes. Once he is alone, he collapses into bed.

He lies there for a long time until the sky outside darkens. Eventually, he rolls over and removes his clothing. The apartment is disgusting, and the smell of it gives him a headache, but it's easier just to stay there, in bed, twisted up in blankets that smell like Julio, his head on Julio's pillow. Tomorrow, he'll deal with everything, but right then, the only thing he wants to do is sleep and forget about all of this. 

~~

The next day, he cleans the apartment. It's filthy, far worse than Longshot's. He gets up, eats his way through a box of pop tarts, then takes a long shower. Without a functioning bathroom door, the humid air has mixed with the overall unpleasant scent, and he presses his hand to his nose as he looks around.

He has no idea when Julio left, but there are definitely more beer bottles scattered around. There is also dried vomit on the bathroom floor, which he carefully dances around. Outside, it's sunny, and he opens all the windows to get some fresh air in. He tackles the kitchen first, putting the half-empty takeout containers into a trash bag and removing anything from the fridge that is green and not supposed to be. 

He takes out the recycling and rinses all the beer bottles, putting them aside to take back later.

He turns on the TV for background noise, to drown out the thoughts in his own head. 

~~

Longshot texts him mid-afternoon, to check on him with a short _you okay son???_ And Shatterstar stares at his phone for a long time, angry at it and Longshot and himself, because when he had heard it buzz, he had been sure it was Julio. _yes_ , he texts back, furious, _do not text me again until i say it is fine_.

Longshot sends back a thumbs up emoji, and Shatterstar swears under his breath.

He cleans the bathroom and mops the floor then considers vomiting himself. Maybe that will fix his stomach. After, he pops the door off its hinges, storing the mangled remnants in the hall closet. He'll deal with it later, he thinks, going into the bedroom. Like the rest of the apartment, it is a total disaster. 

He strips the bed and replaces the sheets, but keeps the pillowcases because he likes the smell. He folds all the clothes Julio left behind, putting them back in the proper drawers. He pauses to lift the sealed envelope with his name on it up to the light. He still can't make out the letters, and he gave Julio his word he wouldn't read it, but sometimes he wonders what it says. With a sigh, he sets it back down. 

He goes out, buys groceries, cooks dinner. 

It feels normal, except his stomach won't stop aching and the void Julio's left behind terrifies him. 

~~

The next morning, he wakes up early and dresses in his running gear. He's been lazy by his standards for over a week, and if nothing else will help this feeling in his belly, maybe a multi-hour run through New York City will. But when he walks down the steps, he notices her. Dazzler. Except he's supposed to call her Alison, if he thinks he can manage it. So far, he has not been particularly successful. 

She looks up at him, face half obscured by a baseball hat with Mets written on it. "Hi, Shatterstar."

"Hello," he replies. 

"I was going to see if you were home. I know it's early, but Longshot said you're normally up around now." Her voice is kind, gentle, as if she suspects he's going to bolt like a startled animal, and he has to admit that he's considering it, just a little. "Do you want to go for a run with me? Maybe talk after?"

Shatterstar frowns deeply. 

"He's concerned for you, Shatterstar. We both are. I want to help, if I can."

"You talk about me with him?" Shatterstar asks, curiosity getting the better of him, and she smiles.

"We talk about you all the time," she admits with a warm, melodic laugh. She speaks like she sings. He's listened to all her albums, lying on the floor of the living room with Julio beside him. Unlike Longshot, his relationship with her isn't complicated. It barely exists. "This doesn't have to be weird. I don't think it is. At least, no more than me skulking outside your apartment at six in the morning." 

"Okay," he says, after a moment of consideration. At this point, he will take any help he can get. 

~~

He doesn't run as hard, as long or as fast as he normally would, but Dazzler clearly enjoys running. Shatterstar is used to Julio, who runs because Shatterstar makes him. In recent weeks, Shatterstar's gone out alone, barely able to entice Julio out of bed before noon on most days. Why did I ignore that? he thinks, his stomach hurting again. There are so many things he noticed that he pretended he didn't.

And for what? It didn't help Julio at all. He doesn't even know where he is. 

"How are you doing?" Dazzler asks, slowing down, and Shatterstar does the same, matching her pace. They're three blocks from the apartment. "Longshot mentioned you hadn't been feeling well."

Shatterstar frowns. "I'm not sick. I have never been ill a day in my life."

Her expression softens. "Is it your stomach?"

"It just feels weird. I don't think it's physical," he admits, resisting the urge to touch it. He wants to say more, but he doesn't know what he's allowed to say, how much she wants to hear. He thought it might be easier, with someone who doesn't know him, but it doesn't feel like that. "Julio usually helps me."

"What does he do?" 

"Tells me what I'm feeling, when I don't recognize it," he admits. It sounds pathetic when said out loud, and he looks at her, expecting censure or judgment, but he gets neither of those things. "I don't know what this is, and he's not here to help me figure it out. I _abandoned_ him, when he needed me the most."

"Yeah, let's talk," Dazzler says, and he thinks, if he had been anyone else, she might've hugged him.

~~

They go back to the apartment, and he makes them omelettes. 

Dazzler picks up one of the pictures they keep displayed on the bookshelf. With a glance, he immediately knows which one. "You were both so young here," she says, looking at the image of Julio and him in Mexico, in the bed of the truck they basically lived in, posing, trying not to waste the film.

"We spent a year in Mexico working to dismantle his family's gun running business," he explains. 

She places the picture carefully back on the shelf. "Did you do it?" 

"Yes," he says, adding mushrooms, diced ham and a liberal amount of shredded cheese to the eggs.

"You've been together a long time."

He shrugs. He doesn't want to tell her what happened after. He doesn't even want to think about it. 

"Do you want coffee?" he asks instead, and when she nods, prepares a mug like Julio prefers it, with a spoonful of brown sugar and a sprinkling of cinnamon. He makes one for himself, too. It's good.

~~

After breakfast, they sit on the couch. He folds his hands together, deeply reluctant to start the conversation. Where does Julio's right to privacy end and his need for support begin? This feels like a betrayal, which he knows in his head isn't true, but his stomach, where his discomfort sits, agrees.

"You look so much like your father," she says eventually, regarding him fondly, posture relaxed, "but that hair is the Blaire family legacy. My natural colour is close to that, and my grandmother had it, too. Your great grandmother. They'd thought it'd been lost with my father, but it's incredibly persistent." 

"You don't have to say these things," he says. "What I did to you was monstrous."

She's shaking her head before he's even finished speaking. Her fingers flex, and he thinks again, if he had been someone different, she might've touched him. "My son being alive is the only thing I care about. I can't be angry with you. That fucking time paradox, sure, but you or Rictor? No, not at all."

He looks away, frowning. He didn't hesitate, doesn't regret doing it, but he knows he hurt her deeply, just as he knows he was yet another person to tamper with Longshot's already fragile, fractured mind. 

"Tell me what happened," she says, changing the subject. "As much as you're comfortable with."

He takes a deep breath. He starts to talk.

~~

He's vague about the details. Mentions that Julio was unwell and assumes she'll know what he means. Everyone knows what Julio tried to do, after M-Day. But he is honest about the part he played. How they didn't even fight in the end. How he heard himself say, as if removed from his body, that maybe time apart would be helpful, that they needed to take a break, and how quickly Julio had agreed.

How he thought, if he just removed himself from the situation, Julio could finally relax and recover. 

"Everyone says I'm too much," he explains, fingers tugging at the ends of his hair. It's a habit leftover from when his hair was much longer. "I thought I was doing what he wanted, but I think I just did what his brain thought he deserved. His brain lies to him. I know that. And then I just ... I left him alone."

"It's an easy mistake to make," she assures him. "You're human. Humans screw up all the time."

He feels like breaking something, the anger raging under his skin. "All I do is make mistakes."

She smiles softly. "It's hard. It's so hard for everyone, but Longshot told me what Mojoworld was like when you were growing up. That's a steep learning curve for anybody, but I look around this apartment, and I can see how hard you've worked for what you have. You can't expect to be perfect, Shatterstar." 

"What if it's not enough? What if this is the best I ever am? What if I cannot be for Julio who he needs me to be? What if I'm not good for him? What if I will just make it all worse? What if I just hurt him?"

It all comes out in a rush, and he really only meant to ask the first two questions, but once he started, he couldn't stop. He risks a glance at her face, and her expression is kind, much kinder than he deserves. 

"I don't think you have to worry," she says gently and finally puts a hand on his wrist. "But I do think you need to tell him everything you just told me. I know it's hard, but it's important that you two talk. If you keep waiting for the perfect time, it might never come. It's so clear to me how much you love him."

He exhales a breath he didn't even know he was holding. He feels like crying. 

~~

Dazzler gets up and makes them both another cup of coffee, just like he prepared them the first time. He's content just to hold the mug, breathing in the spicy scent and feeling the heat on his fingers. His body processes caffeine poorly. It always has. Julio lives on it, though, and he really likes the smell.

"Have you spoken to him since he left?" He shakes his head, and she smiles softly. "Why not?"

"Because," he says with a shrug. He hesitates, lowering his gaze to his coffee cup. "Am I allowed to?"

"Oh, Shatterstar, of course you are. You're his partner. You can call him. Or text him, if that's easier."

"What should I say?"

"Whatever will make you feel better. Whatever you hope might help him. Don't overthink it."

He stares at his phone for a long time. There are a million things he wants to say, most of them involve begging Julio to come back, but really, when he gets right down to it, there's only one thing he thinks Julio needs to hear and knows he needs to ask. _are you ok_ , he types and quickly hits send. 

And then it's a long, agonizing wait to see if Julio responds. When he does, it's a picture of a chicken. 

"He's in Mexico," he says shakily, staring at the screen. "He went home."

~~

Dazzler stays for lunch as well. They watch TV, but Shatterstar can't stop looking at his phone, at the chicken. There are so many other things he wants to ask, but he doesn't want to overwhelm Julio with his own desperate emotions. That he went home is a good thing. He strongly supports Julio's decision.

His stomach doesn't feel any better. He mentions it offhand, like it's no big deal, then asks, "what do you think it means?" Flicking his gaze to her face, he tries to gauge her reaction. He doesn't like people knowing how much he struggles with basic emotions on an almost daily basis, but maybe it's okay if she does. He can still barely believe he has a mother. Or a father. Or his own family outside of Julio. 

"If I had to guess, I think it's a combination of guilt, regret and probably a little anger."

"I'm not angry with Julio," he says quickly, with a force that surprises him, but she barely reacts, just waits patiently for him to continue. His logical brain battles with the feelings sitting heavy in his belly. "I understand there are things he can't control. I'm angry with his illness, because it keeps taking him away, but I'm not ..." He looks away from her, frowning. "I would never tell him that I'm angry at him."

"You can tell me."

Shatterstar shakes his head. 

"Well, if you change your mind," she says easily, with a warm smile, "I'd be happy to listen."

~~

After Dazzler leaves, he returns his attention to the TV and lets it cycle through the channels until he feels more settled. He orders takeout from the Thai place across the street, darts over to pick it up, then settles back down in front of the television. He checks his phone a few times, but there's nothing else from Julio. Eventually, he gets up, strips down and climbs into bed, pressing his face into Julio's pillow. 

He dreams about him, wakes up hard and aching, and lies there for a long time, staring at the ceiling.

He should have told me where he was going, he thinks, but it's pointless to waste any emotion on that. Especially not anger. He's out of his element. He prefers to direct his rage at tangible, physical things, and not the faceless demons Julio struggles with. If he could, he'd use his swords to strike them down. 

But he can't. He knows it. It makes him feel useless. 

~~

He spends the morning watching television and paying the monthly bills from the balance of their shared bank account. He wonders if Longshot's tax refund has come in; it should be enough to tide him over for a while. He works out for a few hours and finds solace in the repetition of each exercise. After a shower and lunch, he sits on the couch and cleans his swords, catching up on the shows he missed. 

Even that gets boring eventually, and he sits out on the fire escape, in the sun, with his shirt off. 

_what are you doing_ , he types into his phone and hits send. 

He gets a picture of a screen showing a telenovela he's familiar with. He just hopes Julio's not alone because that never helps him. When he's alone, his brain is at its loudest. Another reason I should have stayed, he thinks, his stomach heavy again with a now obvious mix of guilt, regret and anger he directs at only himself. After a minute of consideration, he decides it's okay to press a little, just to be sure.

Partners, after all, can ask these things. 

_are you by yourself_

Almost immediately, he gets back a picture of Julio's mother, older than he remembers, smiling kindly. 

He types in a quick _how are you_ and volleys it back, expecting another quick response, but there's nothing for a long time. He worries that he misstepped again, that he pushed Julio too hard, but then his phone buzzes, warm in his hand. He looks down at the screen then takes a sharp, startled breath. 

_Pretty bad. But came out to my mom finally._

Shatterstar presses a hand to his chest, curling his fingers into his skin, and feels trapped halfway between jubilation and tears, shaking with emotion. He wishes he was there to tell Julio how proud he is of him, how much he loves him, how wonderful he is, but Julio is almost three thousand miles away.

Overcome with joy, he snaps a picture of his hand giving a thumbs up. He hopes it makes Julio laugh. 

Julio doesn't respond, but Shatterstar's in a good mood for the rest of the day. It's only later, when he's sitting down to eat dinner alone, that he realizes what he did. I am my father's son, he thinks, dazed. 

~~

The next several days pass a lot easier. The apartment feels empty without Julio, but he doesn't seem to mind when Shatterstar texts him from time to time. He mostly receives pictures back, but occasionally Julio sends a few words in response to the questions he asks. Julio never texts first, which is fine.

Shatterstar studies every image and letter like there are a million deeper meanings hidden within them. He seems to be improving or, at the very least, in a more positive mindset. His heart wants to run to Julio, but his mind tells him logically that he has to wait. For what, he doesn't know yet, but he hopes it will be obvious when it happens. Until Julio makes it clear he's ready, Shatterstar will not trouble him.

In the meantime, he goes on a few short missions. Dazzler is normally squad leader, which is not unusual, but instead of thinking it's a punishment, he begins to suspect someone thought they were being kind. She treats him professionally when they are out in the field, but he ends up inviting her to dinner. 

"I'd love to," she says on their way back to the Institute. "I'll bring dessert."

"May I invite Longshot?" he asks, stiff and formal. Longshot has respected his wishes and not bothered him, but he also has horrific visions of Longshot sliding back into bad habits. Dazzler smiles. 

"Of course," she says, and Shatterstar nods before turning and heading off to the main office. He doubts Julio thought to take himself off active roster duty. While he's there, sitting before Shadowcat, he adds that he would like to be moved to the reserve team as well, so he has no obligations when Julio decides he's ready. Shadowcat nods, and then he leaves. Once outside, he calls Julio on impulse, just in case.

Julio doesn't answer, and when the voicemail comes on, he doesn't leave a message. 

~~

That evening, he texts Longshot, informing him of the details for dinner, but doesn't hear back from him until the next morning, when he receives a letter by courier. This is what Julio lives every day with me, he thinks with a deep sigh, but it's never particularly bothered him, from what Shatterstar can tell. He texts Longshot to tell him that the communication embargo is over and receives a happy face back.

Shaking his head, he walks into the kitchen. He has a lot of prep work to do before his parents arrive. 

~~

He spends the rest of the afternoon listening to the TV and getting everything ready. He does the potatoes first, knowing they will take the longest to cook, then guts and de-scales the red snapper, marinating it in a mixture of lime juice and various seasonings. He adds the handmade sauce before tossing the glass casserole dish into the oven to bake alongside the roasted potatoes. He prepares the rice on the stove-top. His phone buzzes once, and he looks down at it. He lets whoever is calling in. 

Longshot and Dazzler arrive together, their body language comfortable and relaxed, and Longshot murmurs something to her that makes her laugh as they remove their shoes. "I brought wine," Longshot announces, setting two bottles down on the counter. "My tax refund came in. I'm a rich man."

"You should put that into your IRA," Shatterstar says firmly, and Dazzler laughs. 

"I hear you redecorated his apartment," she says then gestures to the cupboards. "May I?"

He nods, shifting so she can squeeze around him, pointing to the cupboard with the wine glasses. 

"It's pretty nice now," Longshot admits then leans forward with an easy, charming grin. "You should come over and see it some time, Alison. For old time's sake," he adds smoothly, the innuendo clear.

"You are unbelievable," she says with a laugh, opening a bottle of the wine, and he tries not to pay too much attention as they bicker with each other, and definitely ignores them when it dips into flirting. He doesn't know why their marriage fell apart. It isn't his place to ask, but he wonders if he did that, too.

~~

It's a nice dinner. Because Longshot and Dazzler are so comfortable with each other, he is comfortable with them. He has a glass of wine, even though he really doesn't like it, and packs up all the leftovers for Longshot to take home with him. Dazzler brought a key lime pie, and he slices it into wedges.

Longshot leans over the counter to watch him. "Oh, my favourite. You remembered, Alison."

If Longshot notices the flicker of sadness in her eyes, he doesn't give any indication, but Shatterstar sees it. Longshot's memory is just something to be accepted for what it is. He and Julio already have multiple contingency plans in place in the event it becomes an issue. It's difficult to think about, especially now that he knows about their relationship and has even more of a connection to him, but it makes him feel better, too. They'll take care of him. It's something he can control, and he likes that.

"Hey," Dazzler says, touching a brief hand to his shoulder, "are you okay, Shatterstar?"

"Fine," he replies, and for the first time in over two weeks, he doesn't feel like he's lying. 

~~

Later, after they've left, he cleans up and does the dishes then goes to sit outside. The air has cooled, crisp on his skin, and he watches the people below him, phone clutched in his hand, contemplative. Eventually, he unlocks it and types a quick, succinct message to Julio. _good day_ is all it says. 

_Had a nightmare. Bad one. Pretty fucked up today, but dealing. Don't worry about it._

It's more information than he expected to receive back. Julio's answers to this point have been vague or contained in pictures he doesn't always understand, but this is a clear description of his situation. He debates with himself. To call him or not to call him, but he wants to speak with him. Hear his voice. 

He presses call and waits, but Julio doesn't pick up again. There's no point in leaving a voicemail, he thinks, trying not to be hurt, but it's difficult. He doesn't know how to do this, and he's terrified of fekting it up. You'll know, he assures himself, but he just isn't sure he will. What if he misses it?

He doesn't sleep well that night. 

~~

He lasts another three full days, trying to live his life without worrying about every possible terrible outcome. He texts Julio off and on, with random thoughts and the occasional picture of something interesting he discovers during his multi-hour runs, but it's nothing serious. Not until the fourth day. 

He wakes up from a nightmare, out of sorts and in a mood, and meditates for two hours on the floor of the living room, trying to centre himself, but it doesn't seem to help at all. He opens a window for air. He's trying to be a good person, a better boyfriend, but he aches with the desire to hear Julio's voice.

So he tries to call Julio, but as usual, he hangs up the moment it clicks over to voicemail. He sends off a series of text messages, three minutes apart, so he doesn't frighten Julio. _how are you today_ , the first one says. The second is _can we talk_ and the third, less dignified than the first two, is simply _please_.

He waits and waits and waits, but Julio doesn't reply. Part of him wants to just leave it, assuming Julio will respond to him eventually, but he pushes himself to go farther, even if it makes him uncomfortable.

He phones again and this time, when it goes to voicemail, he forces the words out. 

"Julio," he says then stops, taking a deep breath and holding it, exhaling when he feels calmer. He has no idea which words will help him, which will make it worse. When he continues, his voice is uneven, thick with the emotion rattling in his chest. Just be honest, he thinks. "I don't know what to say. You have made it clear you don't want to speak to me, and I understand, but after consideration, I think we should." He pauses again, briefly distracted by a cacophony of taxis honking in the streets. "Please. " 

He ends the call, and then he waits, pacing. When his phone finally buzzes, he almost drops it. 

_I'm fine. I told you that you didn't have to worry. I would prefer to talk in person. Sorry._

A moment later a second text follows. 

_For everything._

~~

Shatterstar doesn't hesitate. He strips off the shorts he's wearing, stalking naked into the bedroom, then pulls on his uniform. He has no idea if he can do this. He thinks he can, except the last time he tried, he almost ended up killing Julio, but he can't worry about that now. Instead, he pauses to scribble a note to his parents, dates and timestamps it, explaining what he tried to do and where he may have ended up. 

He accidentally signs it _Love, Shatterstar_ , but he's in too much of a rush to scratch it out and start over. 

He's too used to writing notes to Julio.

Closing his eyes, he releases his swords and crosses them in front of his chest. Focussing every thought on Julio, he lets the love well up freely in his chest and opens the portal. Without fear or indecision or anything but single-minded determination to be with the man he loves completely, he steps through it.

~~

Time and space bend around him, but he can feel Julio pulling at him. When he emerges, the ground beneath his feet kicks up a cloud of dust as he stumbles. He looks up, and Julio's staring at him, eyes wide, a mosaic of emotions. The expression on Julio's face is the most beautiful sight he's ever seen. 

Shatterstar could stare at him forever. 

"That was so fucking dangerous," Julio says, voice thick with feeling.

"You were worth the attempt,"he replies, clenching his hands at his sides. He wants to touch him, to kiss him, but there's something in Julio's posture that stops him. Not quite a warning but close enough. As his adrenaline dips, he comes back into his own head, and doubt starts to creep in. "Though it occurs to me now that perhaps you meant for us to speak after you returned to New York. If that's the case, I apologize."

"I don't know what I meant," Julio says with a slight shrug. "Do you want to come in?"

"Okay," Shatterstar replies.

~~

The moment he sits down on the couch, the exhaustion hits him, bone deep and overpowering, and he tries to fight it, wants to listen to Julio's voice, the sound of his breathing, the beat of his heart, but it's just too severe. He falls sleep where he is, chin tucked against his chest, and wakes once with a jolt, when someone else enters the room, but Julio murmurs at him, says words his sleepy brain barely registers.

But the fingers that Julio wraps around his wrist, those he takes notes of. He falls back asleep quickly.

He wakes up again, fuzzy, disoriented, but Julio is still there, folded up next to him, holding his hand.

It takes him hours to recover, to shake off the effects of teleportation. It's only marginally better than when he was a teenager, unable to use his power because he didn't understand how it worked. He remembers all the times he was forced to, all the occasions when Julio had to carry him out. He keeps looking at Julio, trying not to smile, to make his feelings too obvious. It's just so good to see him.

He's shy around Julio's mother, because she didn't know he loved her son the last time they met. She doesn't appear to be angry with him, which is a physical relief. His dislike of Julio's cousin Omar is immediate. He's loud, brash and seems to pick on Julio specifically, but Julio doesn't seem to mind. 

Shatterstar decides he will tolerate Omar and nothing more. His behaviour should not be encouraged. 

And Julio. His eyes are bright and clear, his skin a healthy, deep shade of brown from the sun. He's gotten a hair cut, his jaw clean-shaven, but he still picks at his food, and he hardly says anything. 

When Julio asks to delay any serious conversations, he agrees. He isn't ready either.

It hurts a little, when he's given his own room, but at least Julio didn't throw him out immediately. 

This is enough for now, he thinks, lying in bed, arms crossed behind his head, this is just how it begins.

~~

Three days pass. He keeps busy, helping Julio's mother out around the house. It's still difficult to talk to her, but they both wake up with the sun, so he spends several early mornings in her presence, sitting out in the backyard, reading the newspaper. There are a million questions he wants to ask but doesn't feel he can.

He texts Longshot to tell him where he is, in case anyone wonders or worries, like Alison or Tabitha. 

Julio is mostly functional, except for a single day, when his depression gets the better of him, but Shatterstar can tell he's trying to crawl out of the dark hole he's slid into. He wishes he could help him in some tangible, useful way, but Julio keeps putting him off, and Shatterstar keeps allowing him to.

In his haste to get to Julio, he neglected to bring any of his clothes, so he has to wear Julio's. It's nice.

~~

On that third day, as he's surrounded by chickens, Julio comes out and watches him. It's blisteringly hot, and the chickens are ill-tempered and violent, exactly like he remembers. He finishes up what he's doing then flips out of the coop, landing lightly next to Julio. They exchange a few words, just idle conversation to help them get comfortable with each other again, before silence spreads between them.

"I'm ready to talk," Julio says eventually, his heartbeat so loud that Shatterstar can't ignore it. 

"I'm glad," Shatterstar replies, and he is. So glad that they can finally talk about what happened and try to fix it and never let it happen again. He isn't ready to give up on Julio, and he hopes Julio isn't ready to give up on him. He wants to tell Julio all of this, but it's important to be patient, so he just sits with Julio under a tree, in the shade, and moves at the pace Julio sets. He takes his hand and holds it tightly. 

"I can go first, if you want," Shatterstar says suddenly, when he finally realizes Julio just can't.

Julio nods, eyes downcast, and Shatterstar begins to speak. 

~~

The words spill out between them in a rush, honest and raw, like the dam has finally broken. 

He's known Julio's been deeply afraid of something for a very long time, but he's never known what it was until then, when Julio's shaking in Shatterstar's arms, openly weeping, sobbing the words, "I don't want to ruin your life," like it's something Julio's at all capable of, like Shatterstar ever thought he might.

"I love you," Shatterstar says, holding him, pressing his face into his hair. "I love you, I love you."

Julio's never cried like this. Shatterstar hasn't ever heard _anyone_ cry like this. But it doesn't frighten him, and he's strong enough to help Julio face these feelings, because Julio made him strong. Taught him how to love and be loved, how to even live as a being capable of love when he had thought it was impossible.

And he knows he's taught Julio things, too. That he deserves to be loved, that he's worthy of it.

That even when the battle seems hopeless, it's still worth fighting. You just never know, he thinks. 

~~

In the aftermath, once Julio's calmed down a little and his tears have dried on his cheeks, Shatterstar runs his fingers through his hair, soothing and gentle. Julio slumps against him, boneless, and Shatterstar treats him with all the love and care he's capable of. They talk in soft, exhausted voices.

He's still sick, still suffering, but Julio seems willing to look for solutions, which is all Shatterstar ever wanted. He just didn't want to be forced to watch Julio waste away to a brutal disease, without even a chance to offer his aid. As they prepare dinner, he tells Julio that, leaning over to bump his shoulder.

"You have to expect more from me, Julio."

Julio's mouth pulls into a thin line. "You're pretty blameless here. It was my fucked up brain ..."

Shatterstar stops what he's doing and touches Julio's jaw, drawing his eyes up. "No, it was both of us." Julio makes a face, starts to pull back, but he strokes his fingers over Julio's cheek, keeping him there. "We aren't perfect. We're human. My mother told me humans screw up all the time," he says wisely. 

It draws the startled reaction he expected, and Julio smiles a little. "Your mother, huh?"

"I had my parents over for dinner. I made that fish dish we discovered in Veracruz. They liked it."

"Yeah?" Julio says, and Shatterstar nods before telling him all about it.

~~

That night, Julio wakes up screaming, a shockwave rippling through the house. He's on his feet and in the hallway before he can think of it, and Julio's mother meets him there, pulling on a dressing gown. This is nothing new. The nightmares come and go, with no discernible pattern, and Shatterstar normally just waits them out. He learned early on that Julio can't stand to be touched in the aftermath of one. 

"That's true," she admits with a sad smile, when he feels like he needs to explain his hesitation. He wants to apologize. He's a guest in her house, and it's not her fault he feels so helpless and defensive. "But if you do this," she says, reaching up and sweeping her thumb over his brow, "it will calm him."

"Am I ..." He cuts himself off from asking permission. "Is it something he would want me to do?"

"I used to do it for him when he was a child," she says. "He hasn't been a child for a very long time."

Julio lays on his bed, shivering, breathing raggedly, and he doesn't hesitate again. He barely hears her leave, focussed entirely on Julio shaking beneath his hand. "Your mother showed me what to do," Shatterstar says softly, when Julio tries to move, staring up at him with wide, dark eyes. "It's okay." 

He keeps it up for hours, even after Julio finally gives in to sleep, and when Julio wakes and invites him into bed, he goes easily. Curls around Julio, because he knows he likes it, and just holds him. 

~~

He asks Julio if it's okay if he talks about his depression to his mother. It occurs to him, over breakfast, that she could be a great source of information for him, because she's known Julio for most of his life and was responsible for him during one of the darkest times in his life. Julio says it's fine. Omar, too. 

Shatterstar would rather lose his swords than spend time with Omar, so he doubts that will ever happen.

But when he can, he speaks to Julio's mother, who is open and honest with him, free of judgment.

It takes him a while to get over the feeling that he's betraying Julio in the worst way he could.

"How do you live with it?" he asks. "The fear of what he might do to himself outside your control?"

"If I knew, I would tell you. I've made mistakes with him, but I told myself that I had to be more honest with him, even if it hurts to hear. There is a difference between what he says and what he wants, but he's always been ... difficult to comfort. I listened to his uncles when his father died. I shouldn't have."

"I'm terrified that I will do something that causes him to" – he swallows hard – "to end his life."

She folds her hand over his, squeezing. "We cannot control what he does. We can only tell him that we love him and that we are there for him. We also have to be prepared to step in and help, even if he'll hate us for it. We have to remember, though it looks like Julio, it might not be him we're speaking to. And when he decides he wants help, we move mountains for him. It's all we can do," she tells him.

It sounds easy enough, but they talk about it several more times, just so he's sure. Julio watches them when they are together, but he never asks what they discuss, even though Shatterstar told him he could. Sometimes, Julio smiles at him, as if to assure him it's all right, and Shatterstar smiles back, grateful.

I love him so much, he thinks each time, dizzy with the intensity of his feelings, as if it's the first time. 

~~

One afternoon, as he sits outside with Julio between his legs, leaning back against his chest, enjoying the sun together, Omar bursts noisily into the yard. "Sorry, Hooly," Omar says, grinning, clearly not sorry at all, "but I got the afternoon off, and I need to borrow your gorgeous boyfriend for a few hours."

He wishes he could see Julio's face, to see what he thinks of this, what his answer should be, but the stillness of Julio's body tells him this is important. "Okay," he says slowly, "if Julio does not mind."

"Nah," Julio says with a shrug. "I don't mind. See you later then."

Shatterstar stands and dusts off his jeans – _Julio's jeans_ – then bends down, kissing him on the mouth. Touching his fingers to Shatterstar's jaw, Julio smiles as Omar makes gagging noises behind them. 

~~

"What did you need me for?" Shatterstar finally asks. Omar is terrible driver, far worse than he is. 

"Hooly said you might want to talk to me," Omar replies, changing lanes without looking. In his head, Shatterstar plans out various ways to save Omar's life in the event of a crash, for Julio's sake. "I mean, if you want proof he'll forgive just about anything if he likes you enough, I'm your man. We lost good years, for _nothing_."

Shatterstar considers this. Eventually, Omar pulls off and parks. Shatterstar follows him to a restaurant, and they sit outside in the sun, with glasses of fresh-pressed pineapple juice. It's bright, relentlessly hot, and he wishes he brought sunglasses or a hat. Omar looks so much like Julio that it's jarring. 

"In your opinion, is Julio doing better?" Shatterstar asks. 

Slouched comfortably in his chair, Omar nods. "Yeah, I think he is. Rough days aside, he seems to be in a better frame of mind. I can tell when he's lying anyway. Always could." Omar grins suddenly, leaning forward. "That's how I knew you hadn't broken up. He kept calling you his ex, but it was bullshit."

"That was never my intention," Shatterstar replies, even though there's nothing accusatory in his tone.

Omar snorts. "Hooly hears what he wants to hear, especially when his brain is all..." Omar makes a twirling motion with his finger. "Eventually, if you repeat the truth enough, he usually believes it."

"How often, in your experience?"

"As many times as it takes. You probably know better than I do." Omar shrugs, taking a drink of his juice, then he tips his chin and grins. "Hey, since we're sharing our feelings. How'd he land a guy like you? I mean, no offence to him, because we're pretty much the same, but you are crazy good-looking." 

"His sparkling personality," Shatterstar replies. Omar tosses back his head and laughs.

~~

It's a time of recovery. For Julio, first and foremost, but for him as well. He notices a week into his stay that his stomach no longer aches, that he feels normal again. They share a bed at night, with no space between them, and they talk in the dark, about how things were and how they will be. Julio repeatedly tries to apologize, to bear all the blame himself, but Shatterstar won't let him take everything. 

So Julio seems better. Though he still has rough moments, he no longer hides them. Shatterstar is prepared to stay in Mexico forever if that is what Julio decides he needs, but then Shatterstar wakes up one morning, and Julio is already sitting up in bed, sheets around his waist, staring out the window. Shatterstar softly brushes his fingers against the small of his back, above the band of his underwear.

"Julio? Are you okay?"

Julio looks back and nods, taking Shatterstar's hand and pulling him up until they're sitting together. Shatterstar leans his head on his shoulder, arms lose around Julio's torso, and Julio sighs deeply. "I think I'm ready to go back to New York. If you are, I mean. Unless you want to stay here longer ...?"

"I want to be with you. If you feel it's time, then I will go with you. Of course I will."

Julio turns around in his arms and smiles, brushing a hand through his hair, and Shatterstar kisses him.

"I love you," Julio says, against his lips, and Shatterstar squeezes him and says, "always, Julio."

~~

Shatterstar meets the rest of Julio's immediate family for the first time as his boyfriend, and it goes well. Julio is overwhelmed, so he tries to channel Longshot and be as personable as he can manage. It's exhausting, but he survives the weekend, and then they're back in their New York City apartment. 

Just like that, they're home.

There is a large vase of vibrant flowers on the kitchen table and a folded note that says _read me!!!_ in Longshot's messy handwriting. With Julio looking curiously over his shoulder, he pulls apart the paper. 

_Welcome home, Rictor and Shatterstar. There's a casserole in the fridge. Family recipe. Enjoy! ♥ A & L_

"I should probably tell them to call me Julio," Julio says with a bemused expression, walking over to the fridge and opening it. In addition to the casserole, the fridge is fully stocked with fresh food. He did text Longshot to tell him they were returning, but he hadn't expected this. He doesn't know how to feel.

"Is this normal parental behaviour?"

"Yeah, I think so. My mom would do something like this. My dad ... not so much."

"Okay, good," he decides. At least they know what they will do for dinner. That's always a comfort.

~~

The apartment feels different and strange, like it's no longer home, and he can't seem to shake that feeling as the afternoon stretches on. He takes a nap on the couch, his head on Julio's lap as Julio watches TV, brushing his fingers through Shatterstar's hair. He wakes up when Julio gets up to urinate.

Julio sits back down then taps a finger on Shatterstar's forehead. "What happened to the door?"

"I destroyed it in anger," he says, staring at the ceiling. "I lost control of my emotions." Shatterstar shifts his gaze to Julio's face, looking up, and Julio smiles down at him, sad and gentle. "It doesn't matter now," he adds with a sigh. "But if you need to leave, please just let me know. I was scared, Julio."

"Will you let me apologize for that one?" Julio asks, stroking a knuckle over Shatterstar's cheek.

"Yes," Shatterstar replies then exhales. "I wasn't alone. I had Longshot with me. He ... _helped_."

"Speaking of help, while you were out, I called Dr. Castillo and made an appointment for Thursday."

He looks up again. "For me too?"

"Yeah, but if you decide you don't want to do the therapy thing, I won't hold you to it."

"I'm holding myself to it," Shatterstar tells him. "I didn't make that offer just for you, Julio."

They lay there for a while longer, then Shatterstar gets up and heads to the kitchen to start heating up dinner. Julio joins him, taking responsibility for the salad, and it finally begins to feel like he's home. The casserole is delicious. Julio eats two servings without prompting. He resolves to ask for the recipe.

~~

They spend the rest of the evening out on the fire escape, enjoying the familiar noise and the nice weather and each other. They start on opposite sides of the platform, but Julio keeps inching closer, eventually ending up in his lap, straddling him. Shatterstar looks at him curiously, and Julio smiles.

"So it's been a while," Julio says shyly, something he hasn't been with Shatterstar for a very long time. 

Until then, their kisses have been loving but mostly chaste. Julio leans into him and kisses him deeply, his tongue flicking in between Shatterstar's teeth, and Shatterstar is almost startled by the sudden spark of his desire, at the way his arms immediately circle Julio and tug him even closer, flush against him. It's been seven weeks since they last slept together, and the last time had been somewhat of a disaster.

Julio seems to sense his thoughts and pulls back, mouth wet. "Are you okay with this?"

"I don't like when you treat your body carelessly," he says, just so Julio knows. "Nor do I like when you treat me like a stranger in bed. I want us to be intimate. Sex with you is special to me, Julio."

"To be honest, I didn't feel good about it either. I'm sorry. I know I keep saying that, but I'm particularly sorry for that." His fingers sweep over the back of Shatterstar's neck softly. "We can stop right now."

"I didn't say that," Shatterstar replies, tucking a hand under Julio's shirt. "I simply needed you to know how I feel, just as I want to know how you feel, even if it is difficult or painful to hear. I can handle it."

"I know," Julio assures him. "I'm all in on this. I mean, we have to stop fucking up eventually, right?"

"In theory," Shatterstar agrees with a smile. "Let's start with something we know we are good at together."

They grin at each other – as best friends, as lovers – and then they kiss again, deeper and deeper and deeper, until Shatterstar takes it upon himself to pull away and climb through the window. When Julio is halfway in, he takes him by the waist and lifts him, Julio's legs instantly circling his hips, then carries him to bed.

Julio wraps his arms around his shoulders, laughing softly in his ear, and everything is better after that.

**Author's Note:**

> Note about the "Suicide Attempt" tag: it's primarily a reference to a past canonical attempt (X-Factor Vol. 3 #1), but there is also a moment where Shatterstar thinks that Julio has made another attempt.
> 
> Title inspired by _Runaway_ by Talos.


End file.
